Object Permanence
by LNC2
Summary: Adrien makes a mistake.
1. The Mistake

Plagg never told him how much it would hurt without the suit.

They had been at this for so long that he took for granted just how much his leather-slick second skin absorbed. He was Chat Noir, savior of Paris, righter of wrongs and fearless defender

except when he wasn't.

Sometimes when he lay awake at night Adrien could still hear Ladybug's screams as the akuma's claws sank deep, deep, deep into his shoulders and remember the phantom pain even her miraculous couldn't cure.

She wore red much better than he ever could.

But as he lay bleeding out on the cobbled path of the Left Bank with Ladybug's curses and Plagg's damn you, kid ringing in his ears, sure in the truth that he was going to die and just as sure that she would bring him back, Adrien let their admonishments roll over him like waves.

Dying for her was like an old song, one that vibrated through him like the strings of a violin. From his veins to his toes to his ears every part of him that was Chat Noir and every part that wasn't was a symphony of devotion to her. Like a soldier follows their general, like a lover follows their hands

Adrien could and would think of a thousand ways to tell her she mattered but on days like this his tongue was weak, his fear was strong, and sometimes Plagg was just too slow.

Could she really expect Adrien Agreste to stand by while Chat Noir recovered?

Call it a gut feline but it sounds like you could use a little help.

And when it was done, when the akuma was purified, when a million magical insects surrounded him and the streets and Paris, he could feel her arms around him, crushing and punishing and so, so, angry that he could only smile.

"You stupid boy. You stupid, stupid boy."

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Ladybug visited him that night.

Or rather, she visited the rooftop across from him. He caught her silhouetted against the city lights as she kept her silent vigil. A statue amongst the chimney tops, he could read indecision in her shoulders like words on a page.

Adrien felt pulled towards her but he didn't dare disturb Plagg. After berating his charge for the better part of an hour he collapsed into a disgruntled pile of exhaustion in an unreachable corner and hadn't moved since. Adrien had a sinking feeling it would take more than camembert to fix the rift he had cataclysmed between them.

He continued watching from the window as his partner stood unmoving for a few minutes more before shaking her head and yo-yoing off into the night.

The stalemate continued for two days before Chat Noir stepped in.

Catching up with her on the beams of the Eiffel Tower, Ladybug was a red and black ornament staring down at the lights of a city that knew darkness and none of its consequences.

"What if I can't save them all, Chat?"

"The best we can do is try," He said and the way she smiled told him he was wrong.

But she didn't stop him when he sat down beside her and it felt like breathing when she moved closer to lay her head on his shoulder.

"I'm not strong all the time," She said and Chat thought of the way Ladybug screamed when Adrien Agreste leapt in front of her.

"You don't have to be."

"You don't have to be."

There was something in her voice, an echo of fear and frustration and pain that told him his time for secrets was over. He slammed that door closed the same way he'd been slammed into the pavement.

"I'm sorry," He said, to say anything.

"But you're not," She sighed, pulling away because she knew.

"No," Chat wrapped his arms around himself to make up for her distance. "And I'm sorry about that too."

.

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It was all over the Ladyblog.

Of course it was. Alya Cesaire would never find herself on the wrong end of a scoop and although she hadn't been on the scene when Chat Noir disappeared she and her camera were far too present by the time Adrien made his appearance.

It was his worst nightmare.

All weekend long Nathalie had been fielding calls from hungry newspapers, radio stations, and talk shows alike that wanted a piece of the most recent akuma attack and the civilian that saved Ladybug.

His father was not pleased.

And if Adrien thought he would find any respite at school that illusion was quickly shattered when he heard Alya's excited voice carry out over the clamoring of his classmates and into the hall.

"Did you see the way he just dove in front of her like that?"

Adrien stood half-frozen in the classroom's doorway, unwilling to enter, unable to turn around and flee.

"I didn't think Adrien could move that fast!"

"It wasn't that fast."

"Shut up, Kim." Alix said. "You're just jealous because you've never saved a superhero yourself."

Rose sighed. "Well I think it was romantic."

"What about you girl?" Alya grinned, nudging Marinette's side with her elbow. "What do you think about Prince Charming's new savior status?"

Marinette caught Adrien's eyes as he finally entered the classroom.

"I think it was incredibly stupid."

Her answer was mostly drowned out by the others but Adrien couldn't look away from Marinette. He honestly couldn't remember the last time he'd been on the receiving end of her scowls but there was something about disappointing her that made him ashamed in a way that all of Nathalie's proxy parenting never could.

"I'm sorry," He said, but whether it was to her, to Alya's probing questions, or to himself he did not know.

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Plagg was furious with him.

His kwami was lazy enough on his best days but it wasn't until his reckless superhero debut as Adrien that he really understood the term passive aggressive.

He was getting very used to waking up with mushed camembert in his bedsheets.

But that wasn't even the worst of it.

Adrien didn't know how much he'd miss Plagg's complaining until it was gone. The little god hadn't said a word to him in days.

"Give him time," Ladybug said as they wound down their latest patrol. After an evening of half-started conversations and prolonged silence Chat was at his wit's end.

"It's been two weeks."

"Tikki said Plagg's been known to hold grudges for decades."

"Fantastic."

She frowned, her hand hovering at her waist above her yoyo. "What did you expect, Chat? You could have been killed."

"I wasn't!"

"You were."

Chat stared at his partner as she avoided his gaze. His stomach sank.

"You're mad at me too."

She sighed and it was as good as an admission.

"I don't want to fight with you, Chat."

He was suddenly very, very angry.

"What the hell was I supposed to do?" He snapped. "Let you take the hit? He would have sliced you open the same way he got me and then where would we be?"

She didn't say anything so he continued.

"You're the one who can fix everything, LB. At the end of the day, miraculous or no miraculous, my job is to protect you."

"Your job is to protect Paris." She scowled, finally turning to look at him.

"Which I did by saving you so why the fuck should I feel guilty about what happened?"

"Because you didn't give us a chance!" She snapped. "You didn't give Plagg a chance and you didn't give me a chance and you just rushed in like you always do. God Chat I'm so tired of watching you die because you don't take the time to just think."

"Excuse me?"

"What if Miraculous Ladybug didn't work, huh? What if this time I couldn't bring you back? Everything else aside, Adrien, that's a terrible thing to put on a person. And I bet if you ask your kwami he would say the same thing. He wasn't ready so you just say fuck it and go? He's probably hurt and angry and so goddamn worried that next time he won't be enough and you'll do it again!"

Oh.

Oh.

His anger fell away from him as quickly as it came only to be replaced by a gut-wrenching sense of shame.

"I didn't think about it like that," He muttered.

Ladybug watched silently as her partner seemed to shrink in on himself and sighed. She really didn't want to fight with him.

"Just… just give him time."

"And you?"

He looked up to see her worrying her bottom lip. His heart felt stone-heavy as Ladybug's miraculous gave off its first warning beep. She shook her head and unclipped her yoyo. Chat resisted the urge to scream.

Ladybug still didn't want him to know.

He laughed, but there was no joy in it. "Even now?

"I'm not the one who jumped in front of an akuma as a civilian, Chat."

God, he'd really fucked up.

He clenched his fists together to stop his hands from shaking. As she threw out her arm he said,

"I'm sorry. I just wanted you to be safe."

"I know." She looked over her shoulder and gave him a small, sad smile. "Next time try to remember that's what the rest of us want for you too."

* * *

A/N: Heyo. This is a little different than my usual stuff. It's been in my drafts for months so I finally decided to just post. Let me know what you think- there should be about three more chapters.


	2. Penance

**A/N: I upload more often on AO3 but I am uploading a back log of stories I never transferred to . Currently this is chapter 2 of a planned 4.**

* * *

Patrols were quiet.

Ladybug wasn't ignoring him but everything she said had a purpose and every word was carefully measured. After years of running mad across the rooftops of Paris the change chafed at him like a leash.

 _I was just trying to do the right thing_.

The bitter refrain ran race tracks through his mind. It was the constant, lung-clenching weight that followed him wherever he went. It was the haze that hovered over his classes, his photo shoots, his sleep.

The unspoken _but_ behind every apology he thought to make.

From his father who refused to see him to his friends who refused to fault him, Adrien could have choked on his heavy sense of injustice.

"You're a hero," Chloe cooed, planting a wet, smacking kiss on his cheek.

"What else could you do?" Nino said, punching him in the arm.

"If I were mad at you I'd be kind of a hypocrite," Alya smirked, ruffling his hair. "Relax. Not everything is life and death."

Chloe smoothed back her ponytail with a sniff. "Besides, Ladybug takes care of everything in the end."

Adrien gave a nervous laugh before catching Marinette's eyes, flat and inexplicably knowing. He looked away and never looked back.

* * *

x

* * *

The akuma appeared during lunch.

The hows and whys didn't matter– not when it was wreaking havoc in the halls of Francois Dupont. Underclassmen ran screaming for cover as teachers and their do-gooder assistants tried to usher them towards safety.

Adrien didn't think– there were so many bodies in such a small space. If the akuma didn't hurt someone then the frenzied students would. He tried to redirect some of the more terrified students as they mobbed towards him and the exit.

"Don't go that way! It's blocked!"

They weren't listening. Adrien realized too late that they were ready to run him down.

" _Move!_ "

He was slammed from behind into the walls, his face pressed painfully up against a safety flyer, head ringing from impact. He struggled against the tight, angry grip he'd been locked into.

"Dammit Adrien, _stop struggling_."

When the initial threat had passed he whirled around ready to have _words_ only to realize that his attacker was Marinette.

Small, breakable, hadn't spoken to him in _weeks_ Marinette.

"Um."

She was _furious_.

"What the _hell_ do you think you're doing?"

He flinched.

Pinned by her icy glare, Adrien could hardly stammer out one word let alone an acceptable explanation.

She crossed her arms over her chest, scowling. "You need to leave the heroics to Ladybug and Chat Noir."

He resisted the urge to stomp his foot or something equally undignified. That's what he _was_ doing dammit.

Marinette's eyes flashed as if she could read his mind.

A terrifying thought, really.

"It's not safe, _Adrien_ ," She said, gesturing towards the surrounding chaos. "I think we've mourned you enough for this month."

And before he could point out _her_ hypocrisy she was already sprinting further into the collapsing halls. Chastised and more than a little indignant he moved to chase after her when he felt Plagg's claws sink into his chest.

The message was clear as day.

Adrien frowned, running off to find a place to transform, unable to shake the dark itch bubbling beneath his skin.

* * *

x

* * *

Sometimes he felt so resentful he could choke.

 _I'm not wrong_.

Like a mantra from hell, it chased him down and nearly devoured him whole.

 _I'm not wrong_ , he thought, fingers pounding out his frustration on the piano.

 _I'm not wrong,_ he laughed, embarrassed as reporters flocked and asked what it was like to save _the_ heroine of Paris.

 _I'm not wrong,_ he snapped at his kwami who merely sat there, unblinking, as his charge fell apart in rage.

 _I'm not wrong, I'm_ _ **not**_ _wrong, I'm_ _ **not**_ _WRONG_ , he wanted to scream as Ladybug danced a ballet between blows from Hawkmoth's latest akuma.

Like an infection, the words made their home in the back of his throat. Black coils of righteous indignation wound their way around his heart and for moments and hours and days he would wrap himself in the cloak of lashback and martyrdom.

 _I'm not wrong_.

And then he would remember.

He would remember the terror on his partner's grief-ruined face as she cradled him on the bank of the Seine. He would remember Plagg's angry cursing and frantic kneading at his hair. He would remember their voices blending together in a heartbroken, furious chorus of _oh god, oh god, Chat, Adrien_ _ **no**_ and _what the hell were you thinking_ and _don't die on me, don't you dare die on me_ and know that he wasn't right either.

 _What if I can't save them all, Chat?_

And after he had fallen apart, after he proved himself the wielder of the cat miraculous by ripping at his sheets and throwing his remote and tearing apart his books, he would fall to his knees, red-cheeked, tear streaked, and so so _sorry_ , as Plagg looked on, unmoved.

* * *

x

* * *

"She wants to talk to you."

Ladybug rested her head on her arms on her knees and stared down at the pleasure boats that slowly waded their way through the Seine.

"Who does?" He asked when she didn't continue.

"My kwami."

"Oh."

Chat wasn't quite sure what to think about that. Plagg never said much about his lucky counterpart and Adrien never thought to ask. That didn't stop the stomach lurching _swoop_ in his gut at the idea of a _tete-a-tete_ with the tiny goddess.

And it _would_ just be him and… Tikki? He could tell from the way Ladybug said it.

 _She wants to talk to_ you.

"Um," He said, trying and failing to give voice to his sudden anxiety. "S-sure. I mean of course! I mean… why?"

His partner seemed to smile in spite of herself. "She wouldn't tell me."

"When?"

Ladybug shrugged. "Now is fine."

" _Now?_ "

She watched him as the buckle of his tail thrashed against the rooftop. "We can do it another time if that's better."

Chat shook his head.

"Okay." Ladybug stood and gestured to the next roof over and its large chimney stack. "I guess I'll just… be over there."

He didn't watch her go. He just sat and waited, tail lashing, claws tapping. It wasn't until he heard a light cough that he finally turned to look.

Tikki was smaller than he expected.

But there was no doubt that she was Ladybug's.

There was a _something_ about her– something large and simmering beneath her smile.

"Are you going to yell at me too?"

Chat wanted to take the words back as soon as he said them. They were rude and had an edge the creature before him didn't deserve.

She merely blinked, blue eyes slow and patient and knowing.

"Do you want me to yell at you, Chat Noir?"

He wanted to shake his head but he honestly didn't know. It was so much easier when people were yelling.

Chat's miraculous let out a low beep. Tikki smiled.

"I think Plagg has something to say."

Chat shook his head. "He hasn't spoken to me since the accident."

"No, I'd imagine not." She said, frowning thoughtfully at the ring in question.

"I was just trying to do the right thing," He whispered, mortified when his voice hitched as he held back the emotions crawling up his throat.

"I know."

"They hate me now."

Tikki flew into his eyeline. "They don't hate you, Chat Noir."

When he continued to avoid her gaze she sighed floating down to rest on his knee. He could tell she was waiting for him to look at her but he struggled. There was something unsettling about the kwami's eyes. It was almost like he was looking at Ladybug herself.

"They care about you, Adrien," She said, softly.

Chat couldn't help his disbelieving cough. Tikki's chiding look was gentle but earnest.

"Plagg has lost enough Chat Noirs to stupidity," She said and he was ashamed.

He _knew_ that.

"And Ladybug?"

Tikki's smile was uncomfortably knowing.

"She cares about you too," She said, cautious, like she was walking around a promise. "It's not… _easy_ for her. She's under a lot of pressure– it's too much for her to think one wrong step could mean losing you too."

Chat let out a low growl, tugging roughly at his hair.

"What am I supposed to _do_ then?" He snapped. " _Not_ protect her?"

Everything in him recoiled.

 _Impossible_.

His crazed eyes sought out the kwami floating beside him. Her gaze was steady and filled with impossible understanding.

"Ladybug needs a partner, Chat Noir, not a shield." Tikki's words were firm but not unkind. "There is balance in everything. Your duty now is to find your balance with her."


End file.
